you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.