there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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