at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
