i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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