Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
