last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
