I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
