I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
