It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
