I smell stomach acid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
