What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
