Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
