so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
