My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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