I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
