i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
