I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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