eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
