the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
