rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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