She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
