I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
