Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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