I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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