Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
