I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
