he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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