What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
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I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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