sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
