yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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