did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
