on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
