Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
