I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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