I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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