I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
