my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
