In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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