Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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