we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
