my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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