U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
