should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
