dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
