In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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