Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
