I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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