i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
