remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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