my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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