I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
