census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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