I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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