I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
