he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
