I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
