im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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