i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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