So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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