I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
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Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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